Persistence In Parenting

It’s reported that 80% of all sales are made on the 5th to 12th sales pitch.  Whether someone is selling life insurance or a snuggie, most people won’t buy one the first time they hear the infomercial.  Most likely, they have to hear the sales pitch as many as a dozen times before they’ll buy whatever it is being sold.  The  trouble is that many salesmen give up long before the 5th try (on the other hand, some don’t give up even after they have been told “no” 100 times, but that is a different problem altogether).  Persistence is important in sales, and it is also important in parenting.

We’ve probably all had a similar experience.  Shopping in the supermarket you turn down the aisle to walk past a mom and her 3 year old son.  As you pass by you hear the three year old ask for a candy bar and he mom promptly reply “no.”  You then pass the same mom and boy again in the next aisle.  Only this time the kid isn’t asking for a candy bar; he is screaming and crying for it.  The mom still is saying no.  Finally, you pass them one last time.  This last time the child is calm, and the mom is defeated.  Unwilling to endure a misbehaving and screaming child, she gave in to his demands just to shut him up.

What we occasionally observe in the supermarket, is repeated everyday in homes all over.  I remember one Sunday when a child was misbehaving in kid’s church.  After a few minutes of them getting out of their seat, crawling on the floor, and bugging every kid around them, I simply asked the child to sit down and stop talking.  They replied “I will if you give me a prize.”  When I asked him why I should give him a prize for behaving like every child is expected, he simply said “My mom always gives me what I want to behave.”  This kid was blackmailing his mom daily with threats of bad behavior, and she was giving in.

So what is a parent to do when a child doesn’t want to behave?  Persist.  Realizing that giving in, and giving them what they want, only has short term gains.  It  may keep them from screaming the grocery store, but it will result in them screaming later in life when they don’t get what they want then.  Better to learn the lesson early in life, “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.”

It’s true in grocery stores, and it is true in homes.  It is true of kids, and it is also true of teenagers.  Persistence is a key to effective parenting.  If you are unwilling to repeat the same lesson 5, 6, 7, 12 times there will be many lessons your kids will never get.  Kids are like every other person, and they don’t buy the sales pitch on the first try.

What about you, where have you seen persistence play a role in parenting?

Why Teens Rebel

iStock_000013545242Small

I have heard it more than once.  “Can you pray for my son.   He is just going through that tough time in life that all kids go through and rebel?”  It is a statement that surrenders to the idea that every kid, with few exceptions, has to go through a difficult time where they rebel against their parents.  But, why is it that so many teens seem to hit a time where they want to do their own thing, and go their own direction?

I know that every kid is different, and no doubt there are many reasons kids rebel, but I think that one reason some teenagers rebel against their parents is because their families are simply boring.  Here is what I mean…

Think about the average family for a minute.  They wake up late, leaving no time to spend together in the morning, except to argue  about who needs in the bathroom.  Then off to work and school, typically sitting in the car in complete silence, or perhaps with the radio on.  They spend their days separated, then the kids return home after school to an empty house that is full of nothing to do except passively watching TV and updating their Facebook status.   Then there is taco night for dinner, followed by dad heading off to the living room to watch TV, mom to clean the house, and the teenage son or daughter bored out of their mind heads out to hang out with friends.  When they return home, the TV is still on, like it has been for 6 hours straight.  Before everyone starts winding down and heading to bed, there is some light arguing about how there is still homework to complete.   The teenager slams their door shut, talks to their friends on the phone, sends a few (hundred) text messages, then falls asleep.   The next day, and almost every day thereafter, the same boring routine is repeated…again…and again.

Think about this routine for a minute.  It’s boring.  It’s mundane.  It lacks a sense of purpose.   And it drives kids to look for something better to do.  The trouble is they often find something more exciting in all the wrong places.

Tim Kimmel in Grace Based Parenting writes,

If we fail to address our children’s need for a significant purpose, it doesn’t mean they will necessarily end up living useless and unproductive lives.  In most cases, our lack of deliberateness in grooming their sense of purpose sends them into the future with a foreboding sense of irrelevancy and far more vulnerable to Satan’s counterfeits.

Read that line again, “Sends them into the future with a foreboding sense of irrelevancy and far more vulnerable to Satan’s counterfeits.”  That I believe is why many teens rebel.  Searching for purpose that their family doesn’t provide, they have went out looking for it, and have stumbled across something fake.  It might be a person, an activity, a substance, or something else, but they have found something that offers them greater purpose and joy than sitting around bored, watching TV all day, and arguing over homework.

What if families offered something better though?  What if families offered something that catches the imagination of their kids? What if rather than sitting glued to the TV every day, they served together in a soup kitchen once a month feeding the homeless?  What if families gave up their vacation one year to go on a missions trip together?  What if rather than ignoring each other at home, families spent time serving in their church and community together?   What if parents spent time showing their kids there is a God ordained purpose for their lives, a purpose that cheap substitutes cannot fulfill?

If this happened, I think Satan’s counterfeits would seem far less appealing to teens.  I think less kids would rebel.

I don’t want to oversimplify a complex problem.  Again, I realize that there may be many reasons kids decide to rebel against their parents and their values.  I wonder, though, if one of the reasons kids do rebel is because their families are just so boring?  Because their family lack a sense of purpose, and the counterfeits seem to offer something their family does not?  What do you think?

How to Help Your Child Make Wise Media Decisions

There is a lot of junk out there for kids to absorb.  TV, music, movies, video games, the internet are all have messages, both good and bad.  So how do you help your child decide what messages are okay to listen to, and which should be ignored?  Here are a few ideas….

pluggedin

1. Plugged In Online –  There are a several good sites out there that review media, but one of my favorites is www.pluggedin.com.  Plugged In Online provides reviews for movies, videos, TV, music, video games, you name it.  This site, which is put out by Focus on the Family, highlights the positives and negatives in each of its reviews, including whether there is swearing, sexual or inappropriate scenes, spiritual content, and more.  In my opinion, Plugged In Online gives parents a balanced perspective to help them decide what their kids should be tuning in to.

2. Parent Link – This resource is put out by Calvary (with the help of Group Publishing) almost every month.  Each issue is packed with articles containing all sorts of parenting advice, but there is always a page dedicated to reviewing new movies, music, and video games.  Look for a new edition in your bulletin this week.

3. Talk to Your Kid – No fancy website or brochure here to help you as a parent guide your kid to making wise media choices, just old fashioned conversation.  Perhaps rather than just flat out telling your kid they can’t watch that TV show, or go see that movie, take the time to explain why.  Explain your convictions.  Bring your faith into the conversation.  Don’t just control your child and tell them they can’t go, but take the time to fully explain why you are taking this stance.  Try to win them over to your opinion.  Try to influence them, not just control them.

4. Limit Your Child’s Media Intake – Even if the content isn’t bad, the quantity can still be harmful.  Some studies show that the average kid spends 8 hours a day consuming media!  Impose some boundaries on your child’s media intake.  I know one family that had a rule that for every minute their kids wanted to play a video game, they had to read their Bible for a minute before they even picked up the controller. Tell your kids to turn off the TV and go outside and play, to go read a book, or to actually go hang out with a friend as opposed to “talking” to them on Facebook all the time.

These are just a few quick ideas for making sure your kids make wise choices when it comes to the media they consume.  What else can parents do to limit the poor media influences in a child’s life?

For Parents

childs hands

This Winter we have two great opportunities for every parent at Calvary.  First, Pastor Clark and I will be teaching a two week class addressing issues surrounding parents and their kids use of technology.  We find stats such as the average child is first exposed to pornography on the internet at the age of 12 staggering, and we want to do something about them.  So, we are going to teach this class for parents addressing issues such as how to filter content on the internet, monitor their kids on Facebook, Twitter, cell phones, the whole gamut. We’ll also be sure to leave some time at the end of each class for parents to ask any questions they like on the topic.  The class is scheduled for January 23rd and 30th at 10:15. Location TBA.

Then on February 5th Calvary is hosting a Home Improvement Ministries conference entitled “Sacred Parenting in a Not So Sacred World.” Gary Thomas is the guest speaker so it guaranteed to be a worthwhile day.  Here is a brief write-up on the conference…

In a world that is less than “sacred,” we as parents are often at a loss on how to raise kids who honor God, their parents and others.  We’re looking for easy steps to “new kids” when we may do better to look first at our own lives.  Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting, helps us understand “How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls.”  In addition to Gary Thomas’ three plenary sessions, practical workshops will round out this incredibly important day.

You can find out more about the conference by checking out this site.

If you’re a parent be sure not to miss out on these two great opportunities.